Together

For some reason, my writing inspiration seems to dry up when everything is going well.

It’s only when my mind is unsettled and disquiet, when my soul is churning that the words come fast and hard.

This last month has wreaked havoc on our little family. We are good fakers, of course, so out in public it is only the heart-listeners, the edge-sweepers who notice that we are anything other than fine.

We are not fine.

Trauma sucks.

It is not a wound neatly stitched shut with love and Jesus and therapy.

It’s more like a funky scab, seeming to be ok for a minute, then getting bumped or scratched in just the wrong way and pouring out more blood and mess than you’ve ever seen before.

More love. More Jesus. More therapy.

More pulling close when everything inside says you should be pushing away.

More googling all the things that might make you feel like you have a little bit of power in a situation where you feel straight powerless.

More stop-gap measures to relieve the pressure before it explodes. Again.

It is an exhausting way to live.

I’ve read all the things about adoption. About trauma.

And so many times, I’ve read of the isolation. Of folks who had initially supported an adoption backing away when the poo hit the fan. Even saying really helpful things like

You knew what you were getting yourself into.

No.

Not here.

Not in this story.

This past month, we’ve called in all the reinforcements.

And, friends, they have showed the heck up.

With food (of course).

And fasting.

And rides.

And the moral support of literally just sitting (and sleeping) in places that help us feel safer.

This past month, we’ve spoken together these things that I used to think could not co-exist.

God is good and life is almost unbearably hard.

We are hopeful. And also terrified.

We believe in healing and are sitting right in the middle of the mess of brokenness.

Love wins. And trauma sucks.

It helps to tell the truth. To speak it out loud where the darker parts lose the power of silence.

We are not fine.

And we are in good company here.

Where we speak things that we used to believe could not co-exist.

Together.

 

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Faithful

Nothing wasted.

She smashed the jar of expensive perfume, giving her best, anointing her Savior’s feet.  They scoffed, the religious ones. What a waste. And she looked away in shame.

But her faithful Savior knew better.  No, no, he spoke gently, taking her chin in his hands.  It’s not wasted, my beloved daughter. It’s not wasted. It’s beautiful.

Nothing wasted.

Those are the words that came as I said yes to fostering a newborn.  My first adoption from foster care, though not easy by any definition of the word, was just about as uncomplicated and straightforward as such things can be.  I knew when I saw her picture that this sweet girl was my daughter. She moved in and six months later, a judge made our little family official.

This was different.  I welcomed this tiny one into our home, into our family with a future much less certain to everyone– myself included.

I mixed his bottles.  I changed his diapers.  I sang songs about Jesus to him at all hours of the night.  I loved him fiercely.

Four months later, I buckled him into his carseat and kissed his head as the social worker carried him off into the arms of another mama who loved him.  A mama who was trying hard to break heavy chains and do right by her baby.

People ask me if deep down somewhere, I knew he would be back.  That he was my son. The truth is that, though I hoped he would be back forever, I also prayed desperately– as passionately as I’ve ever prayed for anything– that Jesus would help his mama break those heavy chains so she could parent him safely.  Foster care is complicated like that.

Nothing wasted.

The next two years brought a whirlwind of emotions that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Little One moved in and out of my home three more times in a case that seemed like it couldn’t get any more complicated.  The twists and turns were frustrating. The wait for permanence was agonizing. I wore high heels to court and outlasted four social workers and the big boss.  I screamed at Jesus in my car, crying hot tears that splashed on the steering wheel. I wondered if I was a bad mom for putting my daughter through all this drama when her life had been hard enough already.  I was a wreck. And my God was faithful.

I knew his faithfulness in the words of his people who whispered hope and healing into my ears on the days when my arms ached to hold a baby.  In the verses they wrote on cards that I read again and again when it all felt like a waste. In the moments that we sat together and, words failing, just cried.

I knew his faithfulness in the times his people chose to just show up and do something… to bring me food, to watch my daughter, to walk beside me into court, to boldly ask, “hey… do you want to talk about the baby or do you not want to talk about the baby?”

I knew his faithfulness in the prayers bombarding heaven on my behalf.  I remember one morning I felt like I literally couldn’t even get off the floor, stumbling under the heaviness of what felt like a never-ending fight.  And two sisters came right alongside me, approaching the throne of grace with confidence that I couldn’t manage, holding up my arms when I was so exhausted I wasn’t sure how I could fight any more.

I knew his faithfulness in financial provision.  Because this case was so complicated, I paid my lawyer to do a few adoption related things that weren’t reimbursed by my agency.  I wasn’t worried about it and nobody else knew how much I had paid… but one day soon after, sweet friends handed me an envelope full of encouraging words and cash in that exact amount.  Extravagant provision by a faithful God.

I know his faithfulness in the relationships that I’ve been able to build with Little One’s birth family.  In the moments that I’ve been able to look into his other mama’s eyes and tell her the truth about herself… that she is loved.  That she is worthy.

I know his faithfulness in the unruly tribe that foster care has brought me.  Several of Little One’s siblings were adopted by other families in our town. We are able to get together regularly and watching all of our kids interact is one of the great joys of my life.  Some connected by genes, others by commitment, onlookers can never quite pick out which is which.

And, of course, I know his faithfulness in the everyday moments, the mornings that I wake up and can’t believe that I actually get to parent these two incredible human beings.  The nights I collapse exhausted because being a single parent is just plain hard.

Nothing wasted.  I can say it with certainty now, with conviction.

And it’s true for you too.  Don’t look away in shame, sister.  Others might scoff, but your faithful Savior knows better.  No, no, he’s speaking gently. It’s not wasted, my beloved one.  It’s not wasted. It’s beautiful.

When Christmas is messy

My kiddos sometimes make up song lyrics when they don’t know the actual words (maybe we all do this?).

My daughter’s rendition of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen sounds like this:

Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day

To save his sons and daughters from our terrible mistakes…

I think it’s perfect.

First, yay for gender inclusivity.

But also, I think Jesus’ deliverance doesn’t stop at Satan’s power.

I think he came to save us from our terrible mistakes too.

Can I be honest for a second?

My little family has watched the fallout from some terrible mistakes this year.  

My babies know too much of advent, too much of leaning into the ache between the now and not yet of redemption.  I want to wrap them up in my own childish naivety, but it is not to be.

Ever since I chose to enter the beautiful mess that is foster care and adoption, Christmas has been tinged with longing, with grief.

And this year is no different.

But I believe that Jesus is no stranger to the mess.

I’ve never birthed a child, it’s true.

But I’ve heard that the process is pretty messy.

Not nearly as sweet and serene as our nativity scenes portray.

I haven’t spent much time in barns, either.

But I doubt the first Christmas night smelled too great.

I believe there were blood, sweat and tears that night.

I imagine that though it was holy, it likely wasn’t silent.

The night that heaven broke through.

That Love came near.

And there, in the mess.  In the stench. In the din.

Emmanuel.

The with-us God.

The One born to save us from Satan’s power.

And our own terrible mistakes.

And so

If Christmas feels messy for you this year,

Know that you are not alone.

You are in good company, friend.

I believe that Jesus is here too.

Even when Christmas is messy.

Eagerly Desired

I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you. (Luke 22:14)

Jesus is huddled in an upper room, about to share his last Passover on earth with the ones he’d called, the ones he dearly loved.

They reclined.  Got comfortable. Ate and drank.

They talked and listened.

They didn’t understand everything that their Savior was telling them, they even bickered about it.

But still

He longed for these moments with them.

He had his heart set on spending time together on this night.

He wanted them there.

Every one of them.

Even the one who would deny before morning.

Even the one who would betray him to death.

We talk a lot about different groups of folks having (or not having) a seat at the table.

About power and privilege and having a voice.

These are important conversations, no doubt.

I believe Jesus was a sweeper of the edges, an advocate for the marginalized.

I believe he toppled ethnocentric, patriarchal expectations.

And I believe he welcomes us all to the table.

Friend, you are welcome.

More than that, you are eagerly desired.

Come.

Come get comfortable, come eat and drink.

Come listen and ask and argue, even when you don’t understand everything.

We, too, are the called ones, the ones dearly loved.

Jesus eagerly desires to spend these moments with us.

With you.

Whether or not the world tells you that you have a seat, you are welcome, of this I am sure.

Come.

Come to the table.

Four Years Ago

Today, a busy four year old tells me what he learned in his class at church.

Jesus rescues!

He yells it again and again.

Today he “helps” me install new smoke detectors and put pizza in the oven.

Today he snuggles into my side as I read book after book.

It feels so ordinary.

But four years ago this week, I said one of the hardest goodbyes of my life.

It’s like a muscle memory, sneaking up on me.

And it still takes my breath and makes my eyes all leaky.

Four years ago, I asked myself what would calm my heart if this Little One were my baby.

I printed photos and wrote little notes.

I folded all the tiny baby things.

I watched my sister carry my daughter out of the house as she sobbed, begging for Little One to stay.

And I sat in the rocking chair and sang until my arms literally ached.

Four years ago, I hugged a social worker who told me I was one of the good ones.

And I tried not to cry when he thought maybe I should keep some of this stuff for the next baby.

No.  My heart instinctively knew.

That would hurt too bad.

Four years ago, I buckled one of my loves into his carseat, kissed his head and closed the door as he was carried into an unknown future.

People ask me sometimes if, in retrospect, I knew he would be back.

If I knew he would be here four years later sharing my home and my last name.

The honest answer is no.

Just as I hoped he might be my baby, I hoped too that I’d done things well if that was not to be.

Sometimes foster care feels like a zero-sum game.

Except with lives at stake.

My heart was rooting for his birthmama four years ago.

Even as I ugly cried in my living room and yelled at Jesus that I was so done with all of this.

I root for her still.

Life is hard enough without judgement.

There isn’t a tidy way to wrap up the story.

In adoption, happy endings are always tinged with loss.

I hated that day.

But it is part of my story.  The story of us.

And I love that story.

Restless

I’ve been feeling itchy lately.

My heart is restless

Like I can’t quite settle into a routine and I want to change all the things.

Summer does this to me sometimes.

Unmoors me a little and gives me just enough time to imagine all the ways that another path might be better.  Easier. More fulfilling.

Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you

(Proverbs 4:25)

It’s these words that my heart snatches onto last week, a seed of thought sown, but not sprouted enough to spill out onto the page.

I think about Peter, stepping out of the boat to follow Jesus, his eyes looking straight ahead, his gaze fixed.  

I imagine him tuning out the distractions for just one second, his friends in the boat yelling for caution and him plugging his ears as he locks eyes with Jesus.

Undeterred, focused, he does the impossible if only for a few steps.

Once upon a time, twice upon a time actually, I’ve felt that kind of focus in my own life, an absolute crystal-clear conviction that I was right where I was supposed to be.  Both of those were hard seasons. Seasons of faith-stretching and exhaustion and impossible questions and confronting messiness.

One was a season in full-time ministry.

The other was a season in foster care (which, to be honest, is also pretty much full time ministry).

It was very clear when it was time to move on from both into more ordinary seasons.

I’m back there again.

Feeling all ordinary and a little bored.

And wondering a little what it means to keep my gaze fixed on Jesus as I make pancakes and run around after my kids at the playground.

I’m holding a Tiny One this morning, her arms wrapped around my neck as I sing

From my mother’s womb, You have chosen me, Love has called my name.

I’ve been born again, into your family.  Your love flows through my veins.

Suddenly I’m all choked up.  I sing these words not just for myself.

But for this Tiny One.  

And for my kiddos who have know too much, too soon.

Whose struggles I hide to protect their privacy.  And also to try to convince you that adoption is good.  That foster adoption is good. That transracial adoption is good.  That single-parent adoption is good.

And they are.

But they are also harder than I want to admit.

Even lots of years later.

But today this is what it means to fix my gaze, of that I am certain.

To let Love flow through my veins.  

To be quiet enough to let the Little Ones, my little ones, hear love calling their name.

To embrace my identity as beloved, as child.  And to speak that identity over the Little Ones. One thousand times, in one thousand ways.

Even while I’m making pancakes.

Lost and Found

I’m running about a week behind with life right now.

Which, considering the ridiculous expectations I put on myself is not too bad. (Can I get an amen?)

In any case, love has been the theme of the week.

Everywhere… in church, on the radio, in the books that I’m reading.  It’s all about love.

Relentless, pursuing love.

These words have been knocking around in my head

How can I be lost when you have called me found?

And they take me back in a second to the time Jesus gave me an ultimatum.

I was young and had grown up in church.

I’d heard the truth all my life, felt it for myself once upon a time and made a little girl’s confession of faith.

And then came my angsty adolescence.

And the disillusioning reality that church was made up of messy, broken people who didn’t always have the best of intentions.

I felt hurt.  And mad.

And I spent almost a whole year locked in my bedroom, scribbling furiously in journals that I probably should burn.

I wasn’t running from God in any outward way.

But there, locked in my anger and isolation, I wanted to make life all about me.

All about how mad I was.  How betrayed I felt.

And Jesus gave me space to be mad (and so, bless them, did my parents– so sorry about that, guys.  So sorry!).

Until one day, right there in my locked bedroom, Jesus spoke as clearly as I’ve ever heard anything.

Enough.  Choose me or walk away.

Right here.  Right now.

Knees on the ground, head in my hands, the answer came without hesitation.

Lord, where else would I go?  You have the words of eternal life.  I believe and know that you are the Holy One of God. (John 6:68-69)

Friends, I was never lost to the God of the universe.  All the while through my angst and isolation, he was pursuing me, loving me.

All the while since I was formed in my mama’s body.  All the while since I made a little girl’s confession of faith, he was pursuing me, loving me.

All the while since, through the soaring joys and the crushing defeats, through the moments of clarity and the fog of not-so-sure, through one hundred thousand ordinary, unremarkable moments, he’s been pursuing me, loving me.

And you too, dear one.

You have never been lost to the God of the universe.  You have not run too far.  You have not fallen too hard.  You have not hidden too well.

Tonight and always, dear one, he is pursuing you.

Tonight and always, dear one, he is loving you.