Truth Wins

I did not touch my computer all day yesterday.

It was my gift to myself.

(I say this not to brag—goodness knows I waste enough time on it every other day of the year.)

This morning, sipping my coffee and taking a quick scroll, I know it was the right decision.

‘Tis the season.

The sonogram pictures.

The perfectly rounded bellies.

The tiny ones dressed in their “My First Christmas” finery.

I love you all dearly.

I do.

And also I want to gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon.

It is a weird place to be.

Two weeks ago, I felt fine.

And then one phone call.  One hour of false hope.

One more knife to my mama-heart.

And I’m back on my knees, gasping for breath.

My body knows how to do all the things.

Wrap the gifts.

Bake the cookies.

Light the candle and sing about a silent night.

Snuggle the squirmy big girl who nestles under my chin and whispers,

I’m glad I get to stay.

I’m tempted to lie about it.

Because I have the happy pictures too (I’m just not in any of them).

I’m tempted to keep silent.

Enough Bah Humbug already.

But, friends, today truth wins.

Because I know I am not alone.

Today, I choose to say it out loud.

I know this is not how the story ends.

I know joy comes.

In a very real way, I know Emmanuel.

And also

I know the nagging ache of uncertainty.

I know the sharp sting of a little one crying for his mama.

Another mama.

I never knew the empty places could hurt so much.

But they do.

Real, actual heart pain.

This is true, all of it.

And today,

Truth wins.

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