Truth Wins

I did not touch my computer all day yesterday.

It was my gift to myself.

(I say this not to brag—goodness knows I waste enough time on it every other day of the year.)

This morning, sipping my coffee and taking a quick scroll, I know it was the right decision.

‘Tis the season.

The sonogram pictures.

The perfectly rounded bellies.

The tiny ones dressed in their “My First Christmas” finery.

I love you all dearly.

I do.

And also I want to gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon.

It is a weird place to be.

Two weeks ago, I felt fine.

And then one phone call.  One hour of false hope.

One more knife to my mama-heart.

And I’m back on my knees, gasping for breath.

My body knows how to do all the things.

Wrap the gifts.

Bake the cookies.

Light the candle and sing about a silent night.

Snuggle the squirmy big girl who nestles under my chin and whispers,

I’m glad I get to stay.

I’m tempted to lie about it.

Because I have the happy pictures too (I’m just not in any of them).

I’m tempted to keep silent.

Enough Bah Humbug already.

But, friends, today truth wins.

Because I know I am not alone.

Today, I choose to say it out loud.

I know this is not how the story ends.

I know joy comes.

In a very real way, I know Emmanuel.

And also

I know the nagging ache of uncertainty.

I know the sharp sting of a little one crying for his mama.

Another mama.

I never knew the empty places could hurt so much.

But they do.

Real, actual heart pain.

This is true, all of it.

And today,

Truth wins.

One thought on “Truth Wins

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